Friday, April 20, 2007

At Last! Friday

This has been a hellish sort of week. Things are not going well at work and both of my kids are sick.

Things are not going well at work because I stayed home with my sick kids. My poor babies have been sick 6 times since January 31st.

While, I cannot blame my employer for feeling less-than-happy with me, this situation is not something that is avoidable. Kids get sick. Plain and simple.

Obviously, with my need for validation my insides feel upside down over this situation. It almost makes me want to go to the depression corner in my mind. The same corner where I say “No one loves me.” “I am worthless.” “I cannot breathe.”

However, I’m not going to go to that corner. I have enough people in my life to validate me. Yes, that is the problem isn’t it? I have an inherent need for validation from others. It’s not enough for me to say that I believe in myself… it’s what others believe that matters most. This holds the most importance for me.

I base and have always based feeling good about myself only when others approve. It’s not that I am unaware of who I am. Obviously, to pull these self-truths out and be able to write about them shows some measure of self-awareness.

Self-awareness aside, how do I change this?

I have started to tell myself 1 good thing about me per day. Today, my good thought is that I am a good mom.

I feel that I am an empath when it comes to dealing with people. I naturally seem to feed off other people’s emotions. If my husband is having a bad day then I too am having a bad day. It’s hard for me to separate the feelings sometimes. It gets to the point where I have a hard time being in big crowds because the feelings fly at me all at once at an alarming rate of speed. This seems to happen when I am in an especially introspective mood. My “people-awareness” heightens to the point of where I find myself absorbing the feelings.

I can feel my boss’s obvious distaste for me right now. I can feel it so strong that it makes me want to up and quit. I’m not about to kiss her ass for something I don’t feel I did wrong. I am stubborn like that. Still, I don’t like the feel of hostility or unrest. I am hoping that she will take the weekend to get over it. Doubtful.

While this entry doesn’t have a whole lot to do with food, it does touch on an important subject for me that I believe is one big factor in my need to pacify my feelings. If I could find validation within myself, then I believe I wouldn’t slay my feelings for the moment with something greasy or sweet.

Have a great weekend!

Until Next Time,

The Angry Fat Woman

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Better Choices

One thing I’ve come to realize (again) about weight loss success is that it all comes down to having a good mentality that will then enable me to make better choices. In the short time, I have had this blog; I have begun to see a pattern with my binges and bad choices. If I have a bad day, I make a bad choice.

Last night I had a pivotal moment in controlling my bad karma. Here’s the situation:

I came home from work in a semi-rotten mood. People were mad at me for missing two days because of sick kids and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop (get called out by my supervisor in other words). The shoe didn’t drop all day and this left me feeling tense and angry inside. On my lunch hour, I made a bad food choice and binged at McDs. I felt even worse after eating the garbage but for a brief moment, it had the ability to pacify my feelings of worthlessness.

Therefore, when I got home that evening, I was ready to cry or yell – whichever emotion happened to hit me first. I remember sitting on the short couch talking to my husband about my day. I noticed he seemed a bit uninterested. At the time, I felt like he was dismissing me, now I realize that his facial expressions and body movements were liken to the fact that he couldn’t fix it and felt frustrated for me.

I *ALMOST* lit in to him. I *ALMOST* said, “Well, geez, it seems like you just don’t care whether or not I’ve had a bad day. Guess I’ll quit talking now.” Thank God, I didn’t go there!

Instead, I stopped myself and realized that I needed somewhere else to place my energy. I had two choices at that moment, I could either, sit on the short couch and bitch, OR I could be productive.

As it turned out, I chose the latter and washed the hallway, bedroom & bathroom walls. After I was done with my task, I had forgotten all about my anxiety-ridden moment. My husband asked me what I wanted for dinner and I made a better choice.

When I lost a tremendous amount of weight the first time, I realize now that I didn’t take the time to fix the inside. I tried to fix it but threw myself into exercise instead.

Now, I am trying to change things little by little and it feels productive albeit slow. I need to realize that I will not receive instant gratification with my weight loss journey. I will however, receive little gratifications along the way that arrive in forms of feeling better about myself, fitting into new clothes, watching my double chin disappear, and finally the absence of camel toe.

Today I ate:

Half a cake donut (complete with frosting and sprinkles): 5 pts

Weight Watchers Meal: 6 pts

Total so far: 11 points


Until next time,

The Angry Fat Woman

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Being Honest

It's hard for me to write in this blog without being completely honest.

I have decided to start writing everything down that I eat and so as to figure out why, i've also decided to write the feelings I had when I made that choice.

Today's Meals:

Breakfast: Nothing
Snack: Nothing
Lunch: McDonald's #1 (Big Mac, Fries, Diet Coke) Large & a cheeseburger
Snack: Nothing
Dinner: Not sure

Points so far:

Big Mac = 13
Cheeseburger = 7
French Fries = 14
Diet Coke = 0

Lunch Total = 34

Wow. I'm not sure how many WW points I can have yet, though i'm sure 34 isn't the number.

Why did I make this choice? How was I feeling at the time?

Today is my first day back to work. I was off with sick babies for the past 2 days. I got the cold shoulder from everyone. My boss and others went out to lunch leaving me by myself. This has been happening on a weekly if not daily basis. I feel left-out and not wanted.

Things I have to realize: It's a small office. So, while they are understanding to a point about me being off with the kids, it doesn't make it any better as other people have to pick up the slack.

Other Things to realize: I am starting my own daycare this coming winter and will have to "ride it out" until then. Even if I don't start my own daycare, I need to be the best employee I can be.

Life Outside of Work:

My husband and I have been going through tense times. I feel like I am a failure. I don't feel "good enough" for him. These feelings have been pouring out onto our relationship. The way I feel about myself is largely to blame for the way I feel about our relationship. Honestly, if I felt positive about my body, then I think my outlook on my relationship would be more positive.

Things I have to realize: My husband loves me the way I am. He is my biggest fan and will not leave me. He loves me and our relationship and when he married me, he planned to spend the rest of his life with me. I need to get this into my brain and quit accusing him of things he hasn't done or even thought of doing. I need to let go of the self-doubt and start living like today is my last day.

Other things to realize: I need to keep the lines of communication open with my husband. I need to tell him that he does a great job! I need to incorporate more positive energy into our household!


3 Goals to accomplish this next week:

1. Start appreciating my husband more and not let my self-esteem issues get in the way.
2. If I feel the need to go to McDonald's (or any fast food joint) grab a salad or something healthier. 2 cheeseburgers is 14 points and a salad with dressing is 10 points.
3. Tell myself one good thing about me every day.

Until Next Time,

The Angry Fat Woman


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