Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Expectations and Compulsive Over Eating

Last night, I had a rather constructive talk with my husband. For a year or so now I have been feeling like i've fallen into the depths of depression. As a result, I have gained 50 lbs. I started telling him about all of the things I have done in regards to my foodscursions. He looked shocked to say the least.

He didn't realize how depressed and helpless I have felt. I have gone down this path of binge eating to numb my feelings about certain situations. My affair with food has gone from pure to down right sneaky. I sneak food and lie about the amounts I eat. I feel ashamed about my relationship with food. As of right now, I feel very out of control.

The secret I have kept: I am an compulsive overeater or a binge eater. I've been dealing with this for years (Read: Not been dealing with it). I had lost a huge amount of weight back in 2001. I was able to keep it off until I became pregnant in 2003.

After two pregnancies, i've gained 100 lbs from my lowest weight. That's 100 lbs in 4 years which is the equivalent to 25 lbs a year.

I'm not proud of this but I realize that I need to start taking control and move in a positive direction. I need to fix the inside first (not just the outside). I've been doing this for so long that some of my actions are mindless. I don't even think about the food i'm putting in my mouth, whether or not I feel full, etc. It doesn't consciously matter, I just eat.

My husband told me that I need to pull myself together. Ugh. As if I haven't been trying to pull myself together since my son was born! He is right though. I do need to do something.

Truth be told, I am scared. I am scared because i'm not sure how to change my bad habits. I am scared that I will fail. I am scared that life won't be as fun without food.

I think the key to this is to have a daily journal (ala my blog) and to eat less fast-food and more fruit and veggies.

So there you have it. I laid it out on the line. Wish me luck.

Until Next Time,

The Angry Fat Woman

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