Thursday, May 17, 2007

Ramblings of the depressed

Everyday I wake up in a self-loathing, tired and depressive state of mind. I set little goals to get through the day.
Goal 1) Lunch time break;
Goal 2) 5:00 so that I can get my babies;
Goal 3) 8:00 so that I can do my homework;
Goal 4) Hurry up and finish homework so that I can spend time with my husband or sleep.

Sometimes, I feel as though my life is comprised of nothing more than just a series of hours to get to and get through. One day at a time, as they say in AA. The problem is, i'm not an alcoholic, I am, however, a food-aholic.

I feel major rejection at work. My kids got sick and as a result I took too much time off to care for them. My boss doesn't want to talk/deal with me unless she absolutely has to. I dealt with this kind of social isolation for three years with my former employ and I swore to myself that I wouldn't put up with it again. Yet here I am. The only difference this time is that I really enjoy what I am doing and find myself going above and beyond to prove my worth.

I feel like a child starved for affection, constantly doing things to get myself noticed. I hope that someone will throw me a bone of praise, give me a pat on the back or hell, even a smile. No matter how well I perform or how hard I strive to do a good job, I have been permanently labeled as "the girl who plays the kid card". The thing that gets me, is the personification that they have picked out for me, isn't me at all. I just had a string of bad luck. The kids got sick a lot within a short period of time. None of these instances were in my control. While I feel I made the best choice, i'm still beating myself up over it. I keep thinking, "what could I have done to prevent this?" The worst part, is that she (my boss) has talked shit about me to other co-workers and now they feel equally as distasteful toward me.

Also, i'm jealous. The new girl (hired in March) has quickly become everybody's BFF leaving me well, not everyone's BFF, but moreover I am the mildly annoying girl who plays the kid card. She goes to lunch with the boss and everyone else in the office. I get left behind and not acknowledged. The more I try to break out of my shell, the more I find myself curled up in the deepest, darkest corner wondering why no one likes me. (probably because I type up boo-hooish shit like this)

GRRrrr!

I hate feeling this way. I'm not emo. I don't enjoy being depressed because it's the fashionable thing to do. I don't even wear black. I just feel black on the inside right now. Maybe it's post-partum depression. Shit... I don't know. I just know that I hate myself. Mostly tied to my body-image. I weigh like 280 now... or something like that. My eating binges have become out of control. Today, I had a large number 1 (big mac, fries, diet coke) and a cheeseburger. Why I needed the fucking cheeseburger when everything else was large enough... i'll never know. All I know is I inhaled the food and felt bloated on top of an already empty feeling.

What was I feeling when I ate the food? Bored. hungry. thirsty. nervous. anxious. lonely.

Over what? I have no fucking clue. Probably because it's Thursday. Thursday's will do that to ya.

I am more angry with myself now than I was this morning. I started out on a clean food plate this morning and once again... lost control.

An added:

My husband and I have decided we would like to purchase a home for our family (the four of us, hubby, myself and our two kids). This stresses me out because that means we have to commit to living in Michigan. Michigan's economy sucks donkey balls as we are presently 2.5% above the national unemployment rate. How fucking lovely. I don't know that I can make a commitment to a state where i'm not sure how the job market will be in 3 years. Once I get my degree, i'll have to start paying back the student loans. What if I don't find a job that makes enough money and we're stuck with a house payment we can't afford?

After reading over this blog entry, one thing is made clear. Work stresses me the fuck out. Big time.

2 comments:

MD said...

Buck up Baby.Life is too short and we are not getting any younger. You seem to have a LOT going for you.If your going for your degree, who cares about the current job situation.Smile and say "I never really did mind the simple things" and get through your day.

Anonymous said...

The diary is a good idea, most of us hate these things but they do allow you to reflect at the end of the day and try to work out what is wrong. I too feel like this at times and this morning my shoulders are up by my ears and I feel so low, but I will love myself better. Some quiet time, a swim or a massage some lavender, anything that will help a little. The weight think, if you cant do it yourself get some help, a CD/DVD for hypnosis, it worked for me, but not only that it relaxed me enough to calm me down a little. Life is good and if your boss and co workers cannot see past your problems so what. Make friends outside of work, lose yourself in the work that you say you enjoy. Take care.

 

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