Ramblings of the depressed

Everyday I wake up in a self-loathing, tired and depressive state of mind. I set little goals to get through the day.
Goal 1) Lunch time break;
Goal 2) 5:00 so that I can get my babies;
Goal 3) 8:00 so that I can do my homework;
Goal 4) Hurry up and finish homework so that I can spend time with my husband or sleep.

Sometimes, I feel as though my life is comprised of nothing more than just a series of hours to get to and get through. One day at a time, as they say in AA. The problem is, i'm not an alcoholic, I am, however, a food-aholic.

I feel major rejection at work. My kids got sick and as a result I took too much time off to care for them. My boss doesn't want to talk/deal with me unless she absolutely has to. I dealt with this kind of social isolation for three years with my former employ and I swore to myself that I wouldn't put up with it again. Yet here I am. The only difference this time is that I really enjoy what I am doing and find myself going above and beyond to prove my worth.

I feel like a child starved for affection, constantly doing things to get myself noticed. I hope that someone will throw me a bone of praise, give me a pat on the back or hell, even a smile. No matter how well I perform or how hard I strive to do a good job, I have been permanently labeled as "the girl who plays the kid card". The thing that gets me, is the personification that they have picked out for me, isn't me at all. I just had a string of bad luck. The kids got sick a lot within a short period of time. None of these instances were in my control. While I feel I made the best choice, i'm still beating myself up over it. I keep thinking, "what could I have done to prevent this?" The worst part, is that she (my boss) has talked shit about me to other co-workers and now they feel equally as distasteful toward me.

Also, i'm jealous. The new girl (hired in March) has quickly become everybody's BFF leaving me well, not everyone's BFF, but moreover I am the mildly annoying girl who plays the kid card. She goes to lunch with the boss and everyone else in the office. I get left behind and not acknowledged. The more I try to break out of my shell, the more I find myself curled up in the deepest, darkest corner wondering why no one likes me. (probably because I type up boo-hooish shit like this)

GRRrrr!

I hate feeling this way. I'm not emo. I don't enjoy being depressed because it's the fashionable thing to do. I don't even wear black. I just feel black on the inside right now. Maybe it's post-partum depression. Shit... I don't know. I just know that I hate myself. Mostly tied to my body-image. I weigh like 280 now... or something like that. My eating binges have become out of control. Today, I had a large number 1 (big mac, fries, diet coke) and a cheeseburger. Why I needed the fucking cheeseburger when everything else was large enough... i'll never know. All I know is I inhaled the food and felt bloated on top of an already empty feeling.

What was I feeling when I ate the food? Bored. hungry. thirsty. nervous. anxious. lonely.

Over what? I have no fucking clue. Probably because it's Thursday. Thursday's will do that to ya.

I am more angry with myself now than I was this morning. I started out on a clean food plate this morning and once again... lost control.

An added:

My husband and I have decided we would like to purchase a home for our family (the four of us, hubby, myself and our two kids). This stresses me out because that means we have to commit to living in Michigan. Michigan's economy sucks donkey balls as we are presently 2.5% above the national unemployment rate. How fucking lovely. I don't know that I can make a commitment to a state where i'm not sure how the job market will be in 3 years. Once I get my degree, i'll have to start paying back the student loans. What if I don't find a job that makes enough money and we're stuck with a house payment we can't afford?

After reading over this blog entry, one thing is made clear. Work stresses me the fuck out. Big time.

The Heavyset Woman

I have been called many a name in my lifetime in regards to my weight. Some childhood non-faves include; Lardo, boom-ba-ba-boom (they would chant this whenever I walked on to the bus), 2-Ton, Fat Ass, Kellie-Belly, Big Bertha. I can recall being humiliated more times than I would care to remember.

Each rotten name brought me back to a place in my mind’s eye where I would curl up into fetal position and cry big ol’ crocadile tears. I prayed to God that he would make me thin like the other girls. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to wear the same clothes as them, have the same boyfriends, and be that cool, outgoing girl I would always see walking the halls of my school flipping her perfect hair over her shoulders and giggling to her friends. At the height of my Junior High angst, I asked God to kill me. Just get rid of me. I was no good and no one would ever love me. Thankfully, the Lord is good. Otherwise, I would have missed a lot of great stuff and more love than I could have ever imagined!

I had since forgotten those times as they seem as far away as they are. I am a different person today than I was then. I am outgoing even though I am heavy. I am very loved even though I am large. I have many friends even though putting two of them together might add one of me.

But then, then something happened today that made me want to curl up into the fetal position again. I was speaking with an employee over the phone regarding some missing paperwork. I asked him to describe the person he handed the paperwork off to and he said “The heavyset lady. She had blond hair, but I think she was a brunette”. He was referring to me. me. The heavyset lady. Why those words sent me into a depressive state I’ll never know. It’s not even a name-calling type of name. It is merely a descriptive word to describe someone’s body type. That someone is me. Me. The heavyset lady. I just can’t get over it for some reason. Maybe, it’s because I’ve never asked someone to describe me physically before. When someone is referring to me they usually use words that describe my personality (bubbly, cute, sarcastic, fun, etc.). To have someone describe my body-type sent me under cover. Pleasingly plump? Overly curvy? Chubby? Nope. Heavyset.

Heavyset. Isn’t that a word to describe someone much older than I? I’m only 26. I’m still in my mid twenties for heaven’s sake! Although, what was he supposed to say? The ginormous fat chick with the fucked up hair? No. That would’ve been worse. So, heavyset it is, I guess…

My husband and I took the kids on a walk to the park yesterday. We are going to try to walk everyday to improve our physique. We both want to do a body overhaul. We are scared of heart attacks, diabetes, cancer, all the ailments that they say obese people have a greater chance of developing.

We took the camera with us on our park adventure so that we could get some adorable shots of Owen playing and Sophie… not playing but still looking cute.

At one point, Dave turned the camera to me and Soph, sitting in the swing, smiling away. Later on, I took a look at the shots we obtained from the camera. As I went through the pictures my thoughts centered around; Oh… this is a great one of Owen climbing on the monkey bars! Look at Sophie sitting in her baby seat! She’s such a beauty! There’s Owen and my husband at the slides! And then I came to a photo with me, sitting on the swing with Soph. My thoughts then; OmyGod who is that …. That … woman? Who is that large lady on the swing? The one with the tight black t-shirt, double chin and massive stomach hanging down? Oh. That’s me. The woman who looks so tired and a bit dull in the photo? Yeah, that’s me.

At that moment, motivation never hit me so hard. I wanted to run around a hundred blocks just to get back to where I was before. I had reached that pivotal point in one’s weight gain journey where I realized that I went too long down the wrong path of self-destruction. I didn’t even recognize myself and that scared me.

Body Identity: The heavyset woman.

Day One Menu

Breakfast: 1- Peach Yogurt (170 cal, 1.5g fat, 0 fiber)
2- Multi-Grain Sarah Lee Toast w/ butter (160 cal, 9g fat, 4g fiber)

(7 pts)

Drink: Water - 8 oz.

Lunch: #8 value meal (fresco style) & side of cheese sauce (11 pts)

Drink: Large Diet Pepsi - 32 oz.

Midday points so far:

18

Points remaining:

13

**update: The boss bought everyone ice cream. I will dip into my 25 flex points for the week for this one.

Flex points used: 13 -- small chocolate ice cream

Flex points remaining: 12

Weekend Update: Family, Friends & School... work

My weekend was fairly full of events. Friday night I dyed my hair a beautiful chestnut color. I used the professional stuff and it turned out better than the store-bought stuff! Thankfully, I had my aunt (the cosmetologist in the family) walk me through mixing the solutions and then the application. However, I was a dumbass and forgot to buy a cape to cover myself while I did it. I got some highlighting solution on me as well as the demi-mixed stuff. I have been worrying about cancer all weekend long.

My bathroom had some accidental artistry done to it. I was a bit over-zealous when pouring the solution on my head and now our walls and the floor has brownish spots. Brown is the new white? I think not. Hopefully our landlord will see it as normal wear and tear. Though I know unless I do something about it, it will come out of our deposit. Anyone know what will get hair dye off of the walls and floor?

Despite the messiness... my hair turned out splentastic! Though my husband was a bit pissy about the mess in the bathroom (he is my OC clean freak), he even admitted that it looked great! Score one for the fat girl!

Saturday night I went out with my best gal pals to another gal pal's birthday bash! We had a great time! We got hella drunk and I think scared some lady in the bathroom stall at McDonald's. We don't know who it was, she refused to come out of her stall until we left. We weren't doing anything bad, we were just being loud and giggling. The drunkeness had taken hold of our normally serene personalities. Oh who the hell am I kidding? Even without the booze my gal pals and I act like a bunch of nuts around eachother!

Sunday morning, I got up with the kids and told my husband to go back to bed. I took the kids to the park. Sophie can't do much other than watch Owen climb, run and play.... but she did manage to go down the slide 3 times with her big brother holding her and mommy guiding the both of them.

I got some amazing outdoor shots of Owen playing on the equipment! Great scrapbook stuff!

I got a B in my marketing class and an A on my marketing project. The professor said that it was one of the best he's seen since he started teaching the class! Hell yeah baby! I was so proud of myself! I even chose to do a Non-Profit Organization which is tricker than a for-profit!

I'm not doing so swell in English 102. I've been very negligent of the class and as a result, I think i'll end up failing and having to re-take it. Oy. I hate the prospect, but I know that I need to better re-organize my time. Unfortunately, I think it may be too late to get a salvage-able grade for the class. :o(

Work is work. I think i've removed myself emotionally from the job. I have to realize at some point that companies will never understand a working mom... ever. I'm still treated semi-lepperish... but what the fuck ever. I don't care. I'm just here to do a good job and collect a paycheck.